Rosy is a vibrant, happy, extroverted person. Had I met her on a casual day on the street, or in a café, I wouldn’t believe that this lady could hesitate in saying anything to anyone. When I facilitated this letter, we talked about a lot of things but kept dancing around the main subject. Knowing her as briefly as I have known her, I knew she will open up slowly, but authentically and beautifully.
Thank you for allowing me to see inside your beautiful heart Rosy and sharing what you shared. I hope some justice to your feelings and thoughts has come through my pen.
Honestly, I’m pretty overwhelmed. However, I know you perhaps understand that already. You already know how much effort it takes me to start topics and conversations, specially with you. That said, one has to begin somewhere. So, I’ll begin with the most recent conversation / chat / texts you and I shared. I told you I had a breakthrough with mom, but when you asked me what a breakthrough is, I told you I’ll explain it to you over the next call. That call is still due.
In the meanwhile, this letter is here.
I want to tell you through this letter, that I love you. Deeply, immensely and with a lot of respect and affection. I may not be as expressive of our affection as I want and I may have a thousand explanations for why I am the way I am, but the truth is that I am your daughter.
Since I was a young child, I have watched you from afar. From the hostel, from my room, from the other end of the dining table, I’ve observed you as a strong man. When you lost my first mother, I have no idea how you found strength to think of us. When you loved mummy the way you do, I have no idea, how you found the courage to do so. When you provided for us, despite all failures, relentlessly, I cannot fathom, where you found your unconditional love from.
After all these years, I don’t even think that you were not expressive of your affection. I do not have complaints from you. Truly. I do however, want us to open up something new, something that you and I have never done before. The ability to talk freely and let it flow.
Papa, I know it won’t be easy. You’re a strong man and I am your daughter. You’re a practical man with high values and a fierce sense of responsibility and independence. I’m a daughter who has always sought to make you proud. I know I succeeded. You may not have said it in so many words, but you have shown it. To everyone else. And I am just happy to know that I have made my father proud.
I would love to hear your approval. The way everyone knows you’re proud of me, I want to know it too. I want to hear it in your words, I want to hear it from you.
However, I do feel helpless when I can’t just randomly pick my phone up, call you and say that I wanted to check on your fractured arm. I wish I could casually call you and just share what my day was like, hear what yours was like.
I do not think there is any point wondering what would our relationship be like, if we had…. However, I really, sincerely want our relationship to bloom into what it can be. A relationship of a middle-aged woman with her aged father. A relationship where we can finally, freely say – I love you papa. A relationship, where I can hope to hear you talk and share freely, with no reservations, whatsoever. A relationship, where you can tell me directly – Rosy, I’m proud of you!
As difficult it may be, you and I are a resilient pair papa. We are used to create a lot of value, a lot of success, a lot of beauty from bare minimal resources. You and I have always done that, haven’t we?
This letter is an invitation for us to create a very loving, communicative and beautiful relationship together.
I love you papa. I know you love me too. I know you’re proud of me as well. Just waiting to hear it from you.
Your loving daughter,
© Anupama 2019