Ok, so here’s one with the British sense of self-deprecating humour ! No, in fact it’s a step further, it’s proper self-deprecation ! I’m actually telling you as to why I cannot be the right Indian marriage material !10 reasons to not marry me.
And should you still feel like marrying me, do let me know, I’d be awesome sauce happy to meet you over a coffee.
- I am intelligent and I’m aware of this fact
I have come across – in my not so recent groom hunting exercise against quite a few men whom my father rejected because their families said – “Hamare yahan to decision hum lete hain. Ladies se to bas ek baar poooch lete hain. Karte wahi hain jo humein theek lagta hai!” (At our place, we merely ask the women once but the decision making is done by us. We men do what we deem right.)
Unfortunately you know what? I have seen some life, I’ve made some critical decisions and choices not just for myself but even others’ lives. And I AM aware of my ability to think, analyze and decide. And I’m going to be a tough cookie.
- I call a spade a spade and I am not shallow
Means, I don’t mince my words.I do not hesitate before suggesting a pre-marital counseling, or act all shy about asking whether or not your family seek dowry, or in asking for your medical reports and sharing mine.
I’m 31. I’m educated. So are you. So there’s no need for us to go in circled around whether or not my arm is broken or whether or not can it be ever fixed. Ask me my questions directly and I will respond honestly. And be prepared to return the favor.Your looks don’t matter to me, your salary does but only to a point, not beyond it. But your attitude does.
- I communicate and you will need to as well
In case you haven’t noticed, I am communicating even now. Perhaps dripping in sarcasm, but I don’t see myself mincing my words here either.Communication is important to me. It’s core. If I can’t communicate about my desires, needs, limitations to you – who are my prospective spouse, should I be discussing it with the neighbours?
Similarly, I am not a telepathy expert and will need you to tell me what you want, need, desire. You’re not looking for a barbie doll, and I am not looking for a ‘Sundar Gudda’. We’re humans, let’s talk, let’s communicate and oh, let’s do that with honesty !
- I am fiercely independent
I live alone. I am a working woman. And that means I handle all my shit single handed. In fact I handle it half handed, because since my accident in 2012, where I damaged my left elbow to semi-functionality, I do face challenges with heavier chores. And I still manage all of them myself.
So if you’re looking for a housewife material who would depend on you for money and then the banking needed for it and then for you to drop her to kitties and other stuff like that, please forget it !
Just like you have your bad days at work, so do I. I in fact can have bad days at home as well. You know, I’m adjusting around new people, their moods, their preferences and whatever not. Even if I weren’t, I am a moody person. I am human you know. So there will be days when I will not want to cook, eat, have sex with you (make love to you – go ahead, use all euphemisms you want) or entertain your household (if we live with your folks).
There will also be days when I will be chirpy, happy, go-getter and all the rest of the positive adjectives you can think of.
This means that I experience dilemmas and conflicts and in various situation and while I may think one thing and discuss another, I may end up doing the third thing entirely because my subconscious has been process that as well.
I am a person who swings throughout the spectrum. So don’t expect me to be predictable. No, it doesn’t mean that I have no control over my feelings, but if you look forward to sharing my life, you will get to see only truth, even truth that I may not speak of in front of other people, or truth that’s ugly.
I am submissive and yet strong, conventional and yet an iconoclast in my own way, extremely family oriented while immensely protective of my own individuality. Opinionated but respectful. And so much more.
- I do not suffer liars and fools
This means just like I am 500 shades of life, so are you (or at least you are 7 shades of the life’s rainbow at the least). So I appreciate and understand that you are moody as well and that there will be areas of your life you’ve covered and those you haven’t.
But please don’t expect me to suffer lies, however harmful or innocuous. Don’t tell me things like – ‘I don’t want dowry but my parents do expect gifts’ or ‘ I really want you to work, but my parents want you to stay at home for at least a year’.
If you have the guts or the balls or the liver or the kidney, please tell me what you want and have the courage to pursue it. The least that might happen with truth is that we may end up being only acquaintances and nothing more. The best is that I will be able to respect you so much more as an individual with integrity.
Similarly please don’t tell me how your hobby is sports when all you can mention after probing is ‘I watch T20’. Don’t tell me you want a dominant wife and then later in the next sentence explain to me the concept of a submissive wife. PLEASE know your stuff.
- I am not the MBT (Mataji – Behenji Type) Serial version of a trophy wife
I am not a trophy wife. I am earthly human being. I don’t go around with a zero size, nor with a blemish free fair and lovely skin. I have a broken semi – functional elbow, I wear specs and I am a 4 ft. 10 inches tall minion. But I’ve got my values right. I’ve got my head, my heart and my intentions in the right place.
I am a lovely hostess but won’t suffer lechers. I’m an awesome bahu material but will not tolerate relatives who hurt my in-laws or who taunt my in-laws. I am fiercely protective of my parents, I see no reason why I shouldn’t be equally protective of my in-laws. I am capable of supporting my siblings emotionally and intellectually, I see no reason why I shouldn’t be doing the same to my siblings – in – law.
I am not giving to dress up like a pretty doll all the time and / or be the housemaid. Oh please don’t be mistaken, I’m all for helping with chores, but don’t expect me to be the ATM machine that doubles up as a housemaid and triples up as a ‘saji-dhaji gudiya’. I am not someone like Simar who would give up her job if the husband doesn’t like the mithai I made (though your mum might be too fond of it)
- I am one to plan before marrying you not after it
I will ask you uncomfortable questions. Questions around your salaries, your loans, your education, your future ambitions, your thoughts on family planning, your medical history, your sexual preferences. I will also share the same information about myself. If you’re divorced, I will want to know why did you take it and I will not want to hear crappy reasons like – ‘she was characterless’.
Well, simply because I think these are things that need to be discussed, known, understood, accepted, agreed upon before marrying someone. Not because I want to create a shock factor or because I want to come across as extremely modern. I am not pseudo, I’m just thoughtful, careful and a planner.
- And fir aakhir wo kya hai na ki humse biyaah karna…
Open Invitation – If you’re a guy and you’re still reading this post, and are willing to forgive me for the sarcasm, while being able to understand, accept and hopefully appreciate the place that I’m coming from; let’s meet for coffee !
©Anupama Garg 2015 September